Avoiding common mistakes men make during divorce
Divorce is one of the most difficult and painful experiences a person can go through. When my ex-wife said she wanted out of our marriage, I felt like the ground had been pulled out from under me. I had invested my entire identity into being a good husband and father, and suddenly all of that was crumbling.
It was almost as if I didn't have my own legs to stand on. I crashed hard. Looking back, though, I realize that this was one of the best things that could have happened to me. It removed all the masks I was wearing, all the roles I had taken on unconsciously. It forced me to confront who I really was, beyond the labels of "husband" and "father."
Based on my personal experience, here are some common mistakes I see men make during the divorce process, and how to avoid them:
Clinging to your identity as a husband/father: When your marriage ends, it can feel like you're losing a core part of who you are. But your worth isn't defined by your role in a relationship. Take this opportunity to rediscover yourself as an individual. I went dancing. I learned improvisation skills. I went on meditation retreats -- all things I hadn’t allowed myself to do before. I committed to myself to get to know myself better to open up more to my life.
Refusing to grieve: Divorce is a profound loss. Allow yourself to feel the full range of emotions - sadness, anger, fear. Don't try to bottle it up or power through. Seek support from friends, family, or a therapist. When my ex told me she wanted a divorce, everything came crashing down. I cried like I had only cried at my mother’s death. A part of me was dying and it takes years to grieve what we lost but on the other side of saying goodbye is finding real joy in what we have. In what’s ours.
Letting bitterness consume you: It's understandable to feel angry at your ex-spouse, but dwelling on that anger will only hold you back. Work on letting go of resentment so you can move forward. Getting together with other hurt men to talk about how terrible our exes are and how manipulative women can be doesn’t help. It’s poison for your process. It’s not easy but it’s important to not let our anger and hurt define us, turning us into victims. Staying a victim prevents us from moving on. Pick your head up and move forward, humbled and optimistic.
Neglecting self-care: Going through a divorce is exhausting, both emotionally and physically. Make sure you're eating well, exercising, and getting enough sleep. Taking care of yourself will give you the resilience to handle this challenge. I lost weight when I first moved out. I couldn’t bother cooking for myself but I soon saw the connection between self care and my ability to move forward after such a big loss. Being in a social group of men doing their work to move on harnesses the collective to support us in taking care of ourselves.
Avoiding financial planning: Divorce has major financial implications. Take the time to get your finances in order, whether that means consulting a lawyer, an accountant, or a financial planner. Being proactive will give you a sense of control. It’s common that when a marriage fails, other parts of a man’s life also suffer. Financial problems are one of the most common reasons why marriages stop working. There may be a crash before you’re able to rebuild yourself financially. Taking care of yourself also means making decisions that strengthen your financial position.
Isolating yourself: It's easy to withdraw from your social circle during a divorce. Part of moving on from a divorce is about learning to be on your own. If you move out of your house like I did, you are going to be alone in a new place, outside the family home. Maintaining connections with supportive friends and family can make all the difference. Don't be afraid to reach out and ask for help. Make new friends. Go to events with a social component so you don’t have to do everything alone.
Ultimately, going through a divorce is an opportunity for growth and self-discovery, even though it may not feel that way in the moment. By being mindful of these common pitfalls, you can navigate this challenging transition with more ease and emerge stronger on the other side.
