Let it fall apart

All of us who have gone through divorce have felt the frantic need to grasp at some sort of control. There is a very real desire to hold onto the past no matter what, as if nothing has changed save for one’s marital status. This is a legitimate feeling.  After all marriage is a joint endeavor and the friends made along the way as well as children that are brought into the world are all shared and part of an overarching and all encompassing experience that is as much conscious as it is unconscious.

The social circles, family memories, and relationships we establish over the years are part of what makes us who we are - it becomes our historic psyche and there is a feeling that we bring that along with us in order to traverse through the world we are in after divorce.

Unfortunately, most of the life we have had before divorce will not continue with us after divorce. It is a foregone conclusion that friends will change, memories will trigger sadness and longing for what once was, but is no more, and children will find their own path and answers to what they almost always perceive as some sort of failure in their parents.

This will undoubtedly bring a feeling of isolation, pain, and loss.  And that is why the more one tries to hold on to the superstructure that once was, the more pain, frustration, and anger they will feel.  The subconscious expectation that once was will continue after divorce not only fuels a constant state of trauma, it prevents the divorcee from truly moving forward to something better and experiencing a true sense of self discovery.

So what does that divorcee do?

The answer is simple and no matter how counter intuitive it may seem -  the best thing to do is let it all just fall apart.  True, if there are kids involved they need to be taken care of, but what they don’t want to see is an attempt by their parents to hold onto something that no longer is.  They too want you to let it all fall apart and if you are patient they may even come along to watch you rebuild. And if not?  That’s also ok, because they are after all their own people and the healthiest thing for them is to be released from your trauma so they can develop and build their own lives. 

When it comes to friends? Once you let it all fall apart your real friends will always be there for you.  And the ones that were just hanging around all those years will inevitably fade in time.  At first you will feel a loss of self, but the self that is lost may not have been the real you the whole time.  After all your true self cannot fall apart - it is eternal and unmovable. 

So now with the pain at its greatest - don’t hold onto what once was -  it is now gone.  Let it fall apart and move forward and become the you that you are suppose to be.